too much is never quite enough

i live a life of excess.

 too much is never quite enough. i need more. 

being content is something i don't know how to feel.

 i have to be so fucking high or low,

 the grey area of just being okay isn't a place i venture very often as it comes with feelings.

I've always thought that if things didn't turn out the right way, it was my fault, my decisions, my expectations. It was always this way, and I ended up short changing myself, telling myself that hey, things didn't work out because you didn't try hard enough, or I could have done it better. Then I tell the world that it was so, to convince myself. I don't see the point in painting myself as the victim or cry buckets. My friends think I'm amazingly strong. I think it's just how you choose to live life.

Whatever, its christmas time.